if only you knew

if only you knew how much I wanna go to USC Berkeley. for the love of jumping jellybeans. law, that’s the one thing and the only thing I’ll ever desire to do. I don’t wanna go to australia…it’s just not…it’s just not something I want.

This is what I know about love: that it is tested everyday and what is not renewed is lost. One either chooses to care more or to care less.
Once the choice is to care less, then there is no stopping the momentum of goodbye.

p pathetic

off to london soon lads yea yea yea yea yea.

I’m excited for next year as well, tbh. I get to finish up sophmore year & the nasty GCSEs, I get to see my mates, I get to go around visiting colleges in AUSTRALIA (UWA & unimelb here I come mate!), I get to meet the new kids in St Fran.

but this year’s been pretty rockin’ itself. great memories. getting hounded by china kids for “autographs” - I was pissing myself when they had a little circle around Johann. got a Jap invasion..oops I mean visit, at the beginning of the year, KONICHIWA. random assembly’s in the theatre hall. grabbing jackets. wrecking lockers. running to classes. hanging out at The Cathay & Cineleisure. ORCHARD ROAD. converse hi-tops. etnies skate shoes. forever 21 bags. vivocity. famous amos. ripcurl twin bags. creeping Reo Hollick out at the bus stop. retarded movie nights with tim-o. sleepovers @ my house. godwin’s gay hair. COLD STORAGE. SUBWAY. RAIL MALL. bernadette’s houses. ICS. bChow. johann botha and his extraordinary height. michel muesli’s amazing phone. long hours in the library just talking to ezzy and johann and failing to finish work. louise’s great advice and the BEST HUGS. livia’s amazing bahasa, mine terrible. midnights @ orchard with netty and rayray. shopping sprees. PRASHANNNNN’S parteh. cramming for finals @ subway. quarrels and the arguments. lunchtimes with the freshmen, specifically the IGCSE class.

hell yea. COLLEGE HUNTING.

why. can't. I. feel.

“I know I don’t know you but I want you so bad. Everyone has a secret, but can they keep it? Oh no, they can’t. I’m driving fast now, don’t think I know how to go slow.”

Echoes of broken promises haunt me in my sleep.
The promises I believed, the promises you couldn’t keep.

So it goes like this. Every time I feel something special, something out of the ordinary, I never EVER stop to think how ridiculous my thoughts are. My hope and my faith is so strong, that I fail to rationalize. And I like it that way. But for once, just for once, I don’t want this hope and dream to be crushed into a million pieces. I want to walk blindly into this, let myself fall in too deep. Because I’m tired. I’m tired of hoping, tired of trying, tired of…wanting, waiting. But that doesn’t stop me from hoping. I’ve had enough let-downs, I’ve had enough disappointments, I’ve had enough time patching myself up. And I’ll face the truth, I’m not going to deny it, I WANT IT. SO BAD. You have no idea how it feels like to hang around your friends, knowing you’re the only one that’s alone - in that sense, of course. You have no idea how much I dream about that feeling, sometimes deluding myself that it’s real, despite it going against all logic. (I mean, how can I fall in love with someone I don’t even know, haven’t even met?)

I used to think that it’ll only come when I stop wanting it. And the truth is, I’ll never stop wanting it. Because this is who I am and this is all I’ll never be. I can’t promise to be the best person, but I’m going to try to be a better person.

I don’t want to be some person derived, someone different.

I’m me, and if I nobody’s every gonna love that, then…..

tell me

I don’t know how to feel. For the past year I’ve been numb to my skin. I am down to the lowest breath, my mind’s death. Pain is foreign, foreign to me. I’m many things, but I’m disappointed in the way my life’s turned out, who I’ve turned out.

I’m still figuring it out, hell, I’m still 14. Lets leave it to fate, lets. I’m not even sure if there’s even an inch of truth to the phrase “good things come for those who wait” and I feel horrid - and that’s another problem.

I question my faith (no, not God). I question what I believe in, the telly turning on every time I want to…OH MY GOD I’VE GOT FUCKING INSANE MATE. I’m the kind of person that would rather just press the button on the telly and let other people worry about how the picture got there.

OKAY haha, weird awkward moment reading this ennit? Sigh.

Everything I type or say just seems so…lame.

when did you ever

When did you ever.

Help me.

I’ve fallen into this deep pit of darkness and I don’t think I can get out.

pick up pace

I’m updating this just because.

I’m bored at home and I’ve nothing to do today. Netty is supposed to hang with me, but instead she’s sleeping her bottom off. Life is meaningless to my very soul, I want something new :( please?

The highlight of my day? The Saturdayssss. The banddd.

off to go slime around, what’re your halloween plans? :)

not much time for sympathy

it’s been so long since i’ve actually penned/typed even a fraction of my thoughts down. lots have happened, life’s gotten…a tad bit better. i don’t know.

nonetheless, i love my avid range of friends in my social life. from my big lovely group (whom I love very much) of americans - bennny i love you!, to my britttts (netty pornnno & kate & other zees) to em aussies (riri, you bloody twat, i’m not a BOGAN!) to the ever so interesting south africans (johann, i’m not short, you’re just freakishly skyscraper-ish-ly tall).

i thought i could fly, so why did i drown?

FOR MY OWN REFERENCE

IGNORE WHATEVER I SAY NEXT. IT’S MY MATH HOMEWORK HAHA.

*c.    3x+y=1     x^2 +y^2 =5

d.   3s^2 +2t^2=11   3s+2t=1

e. 2y-x^2=xy   y-x=3

PS THANK YOU MUESSLI.

tremble

I’ve slid my thumb across your cheek,

More than one but a thousand times in dreams

My dull, grey emotions are bleak,

Sadness overflows the rivers and jealously engulfs me in schemes.

My senses are as good as a blank piece of paper,

Ferociously burning out the loosely placed taper